* Notice: This rather long post is written as a bitter-sweet memorial of our time fostering a beautiful baby girl that we had hoped to adopt.  Sadly, things did not work out as we had planned but feel free to read about what has been going on in our lives for the past few months. It has been crazy, hectic, and stressful, but oh so full of love!

I feel as if I have lost something. As if I misplaced something I love and value and just can not seem to find it. My heart is aching and I find myself tearful as I fold laundry or pick up toys from around the house. There is nothing that can be done to help me find what I so dearly miss, but I would never change the fact that I received it in the first place. My mind is at peace though my heart aches. I am not as angry as I should be; I am not resentful to the one who took it from me. Instead, I am choosing to be thankful to the One who gave me the chance to have something of so much value for even just a short time.

Back in June we were contacted by a friend who knew of someone looking to put their baby girl up for adoption. We had just arrived in America for our summer vacation and were just starting to get through jet-lag and really relax for the break. Little did we know that was all about to change. We immediately responded “yes! of course, we have to try!” So, without hesitation, we reached out and were put in contact with the expectant mother. She was 28 weeks along with a healthy baby girl. Wow! Just what we dreamed about! To explain, Tim and I had been strongly considering adoption for years, more specifically a Korean baby girl. We hadn’t opened the door to the official process yet, because of costs, not wanting to go through an agency, etc. So, upon hearing of this need, we were ready to start the process of a private adoption in Korea right away!

The adoption consumed my every thought. As we waited I spent hours researching the process. Tim and I got fingerprints completed and sent off for background checks, we ordered official copies of documents, we found out exactly how she would become a U.S. citizen, I called and emailed government employees to find out as much detailed information as possible to help take away confusion, and the list goes on. We spoke with several expat families who had successfully completed a private adoption while living in Korea and they gave us as much information as they could. I took detailed notes on everything and was sure to understand the process as best I could. In general here is what we found the process would entail:

• Get a Lawyer
• Register the baby on the Korean Family Registry
• Have mother waive her rights and sign us as the legal guardians
• Pick up the baby!!
• File for adoption with the Korean Court
• Go to Court, 1 maybe 2 times
• Wait for the Court’s decision
• She is officially ours in Korea - now for her to become a U.S. citizen… that's a whole other list!

There are so many details in between that need to happen, but those are the major steps. After many days and hours of research, I felt confident and thought I understood the process as best I could.

Our case was unique in that the mother is not Korean, the father is. In Korea when a Korean baby is born, they must be registered to the Korean Family Registry (basically public list of every family tree). Many young, unwed mothers do not want to claim their baby on such registry because then, anyone can look up her history; so any future prospective husband and his family can know about her ‘risky’ past. What ends up happening is mothers will abandon their baby to avoid registering them [see ‘Baby Box’ Movie for an example]. Then those babies that have not been registered on the Korean family registry can not be adopted. Anyways, back to us… we had to get this baby girl registered in order to be able to adopt her, but because the mother is not a Korean citizen it posed a big problem.

I dove back into researching and figuring out a solution. Thankfully we were able to come to the conclusion that the father could register the baby under his name so that we could go through with the process in Korea. Seemed simple enough!

Now, I am going to leave much to the imagination about the mother to protect her and her baby, however I can tell you she is an unmarried, university exchange student. She has lived in Korea for several years and speaks three languages rather fluently, including English. We communicated with her off and on during our weeks in America. We had so many questions but were trying to respect her situation and trying not to offend her; I mean we had never met her and had no idea what her personality is like. We did not have any communication with the father, but the mother did, she was able to convince him he needed to register the baby under his name in order for us to adopt the baby.

So much happened during our 5 weeks in America. We had moments of losing communication with the mom and thinking it was all over. We had times where we were overjoyed and thought we could pick up the baby within days of arriving back in Korea. We had days of feeling as if the process was going to be extremely difficult and stressful. We had moments… I think you get the point that it was not as relaxing of a summer as we had anticipated. As the summer passed, we left America feeling excited and anxious about her birth. She was due a few days before we left for Korea, but even after an induction, she still had not been born. We knew it would happen soon and were so thrilled to officially start the process of adoption. The day after we arrived in Korea baby girl was born! The mother’s doula (birth coach) was one of the people who helped contact us with the mother, so she, with permission from the mom, was able to send us details of her weight and a few pictures. She was beautiful and healthy and we were enamored!

We met with the lawyers the day after returning to Korea. We had to wait a few days as they prepared our retainer documents. In the meantime, we were  talking with the mother who was continually asking when we could come pick up the baby. She sent us pictures and even asked if we wanted to name her! Of course! What a blessing, to be able to give her the name we wanted for her to have, from the beginning… wow! We chose the name Ahnae (ah-nay) which, in a way, means “Grace of God”, and we collaborated with the mother on her middle name, Jade. So there she was, Ahnae Jade, our daughter.

We went back to the lawyers a few days later to officially sign the retainer. We left feeling frustrated and a little unclear on just why we had to wait to pick her up. That afternoon the mother informed us she was going back to work the following week, she was urging us to come get Ahnae. We wanted to get her, I mean we wished we already had her, but if we did, we could run into legal issues. So,  we pushed for the lawyers to draw up a document that would give us legal guardianship over Ahnae.

2 days later I had a surprise phone call from the lawyer asking if I could come in to meet with the mother, she was coming to the city to get some paperwork completed at the Embassy and was going to stop in to speak with the lawyers! Thankfully Tim was able to watch the boys so I could get there in time. It was a relief to meet her in person! She was brave, confident, and very smiley. The meeting went well and the point of it was to just make sure we were all in this together, which we were. So, things kept moving in forward! We knew in just a few days the mother was going back to work part-time, so we, once again, urged the lawyers to help us gain guardianship over Ahnae. They complied. Within 2 days from our meeting with the mother, we were able to drive down South and finally meet Ahnae!

We packed up the boys and headed out early Saturday morning. When we arrived at the meeting place, we were met by a friend who had originally introduced us to the mom, her entire family, and of course Ahnae and her mom were there too. It was a strange interaction. None of us really knew what to do, considering none of us had been in through this before.  We were all a little hesitant at first. However, once I picked up Ahnae everything changed. She felt so small and unfamiliar, but my heart was already deeply attached to her. I just sat holding her as she slept and I spoke with the mom and our friend (also the doula for the birth as mentioned before). I got to hear the details of Ahnae’s birth first hand. After a while I gave in and handed her over to Tim, who of course seemed so natural with her. He just stared at her taking trying to take in all that was really happening. Then the boys began gaining confidence and took turns admiring her.  After a while, we all (both families, and the biological mother) decided to go out to dinner together before we headed back home with Ahnae. At dinner I got to know a little more about the mother, but she soon grew quiet. Towards the end of the meal, she asked to hold Ahnae one last time. I could tell it was a rather bittersweet moment for her. As she gazed at Ahnae I could tell she really cared for her. Then, as she handed her back to me and walked away tears streamed down her face. While I was overjoyed to have Ahnae, I was aching for her as a mother.

Once back home, we were enamored with Ahnae. We hardly put her down! We loved on her as much as we could and each of us, the boys included, fought over holding her and feeding her. She was precious!

It was a true blessing to watch the boys with her. Titus was all in from the beginning. He wanted to care for her as much as he could, including changing diapers! Axen was unsure of her, he was hesitant to hold her much the first few days, but we could tell he truly cared for her. Isaac was pretty much in love right away and really stepped up as a big brother.

Just a few days after we brought her home the two older brothers began school and reality set in. I had pretty much forgotten the toll a newborn brings; sleepless nights, extra time needed for everything, the lack of time for self and spouse, etc. Thankfully I was coming in to the newborn phase with all my energy; no pregnancy or birth to drain me before she even got here! Titus seemed to adjust to life at school and a newborn at home fairly well. Axen, on the other hand, struggled. It was all a whirlwind for him; first time at school and away from me for 8 hours every day, plus a newborn at home...he seemed to feel his understanding of daily life had drifted away. He no longer got to play all day and when he was home the majority of my attention was on Ahnae. It was hard to not really know how to help him. We did what we could to give him our attention, but not much seemed to help his outbursts at home.

A lot had changed, not just for the boys. Tim and I no longer had as much time for the two of us, we each struggled to get workouts in, which means our ‘Family First Tri’ lifestyle had all but disappeared. Tensions grew as we got closer to Tim’s Ironman 70.3 World Championships, and Tim’s ankle was still bothering him along with struggling to find times to workout. Don’t get me wrong, we were happy, just in a different way than we had been.

Although there was not much training going on, we headed to the beach just a few weeks later for a little friends and family weekend, followed up with a sprint triathlon. We all shared a cabin and had a fun time in the sun and sand. It was humorous to see the number of bags I packed for just 2 days away, but we were with a newborn again. Tim, and friends, did well in the race despite the rain, and the boys, Ahnae, and I were there cheering them on every step of the way.

Around the same time as the race,  we noticed Ahnae’s bowel movements were different; I will spare you the details. I ended up taking her to the doctor who prescribed a digestive enzyme. After a few days I also decided to change her formula from cow’s milk, to goat’s milk. It took a few days and a few sleepless nights, but she seemed to be getting better. Then after a week or so I tested her on cow’s milk again, mainly because goat’s milk is so expensive, and, well her struggles were immediate; constipation and fussiness. After that we stuck to goats milk.

Ahnae was growing quickly.  She could raise and turn her head while on her tummy, and once even rolled from stomach to back in her bed. At around 5 ½ weeks old she started smiling. It started with a smirk, or a one sided smile, and quickly grew into an opened mouth grin. A few days later she began cooing and exploring her voice. I was in love with each little thing she did and would just sit holding her as she ‘played’.

6 weeks after bringing Ahnae home, we received shocking news, the mother told us she thought she wanted Ahnae back! Apparently she had been struggling with the decision she made and finally reached out to some of her family members for help and advice. (Up to this point she had not informed her family she had a baby.) She said she had the support from her family, that she feared, from the beginning, she would not have.

We were devastated. I cannot put into words just how we felt. There is no comparison to try and explain it. We were Ahnae’s legal guardians with adoption being the end goal. We saw her as our daughter even if courts/judges/papers did not legally say so. We felt wronged and lied to. We were angry.  We were heartbroken. We were confused. We were hurt.

The next 5 days were miserable. The mom would not give us a straight answer of ‘yes, I want her’ or ‘no, I don’t want her’. Other than praying, there was not much we could do. We did not want to give Ahnae up, but we did not want to keep her as our daughter knowing someone else out there, her biological mother, wanted her daughter. As her legal guardians we did all we could to make sure we did what was best for Ahnae. We had to be her advocates! Tim met with the mother face to face to get a direct answer… she still couldn’t decide. So, we waited more, and prayed more. We were still caring for Ahnae and loving her, not wanting to let her go. Another 24 hours went by. Then on Monday, September 4th, the mother gave us a firm ‘yes, I want her back’. We still felt we needed to do more to ensure Ahnae would be loved and provided for, so we asked to Skype the biological mother’s mother (Ahnae’s biological grandmother). That night we spent an hour talking with the grandmother. We asked about her job, her family, her finances, and her forgiveness and acceptance of her daughter and granddaughter. She affirmed each question with a sincere response and in the end we were able to introduce her to her first grandchild. We were aching, knowing we would be giving Ahnae away, but we had peace knowing she was going to be loved and cared for.  

On Tuesday morning, September 5th we said goodbye to Ahnae.

Then a few hours later Tim hopped on a plane heading to Chattanooga, TN for the Ironman 70.3 World Championships. It was a whirlwind!

There is so much I can say about Ahnae and our time with her. I can tell many stories from our six weeks with her. I can pour out my love for her, and go over and over how wronged we were or how we could have fought to keep her. However, I don’t want to. I want to keep her in my mind and my heart as a joy, a gift, and an undeserved blessing. We did not deserve the time we had with her. She brought joy into our lives and we do not want to change that. We choose, each day, to be thankful for our time with her. Is it hard to be thankful? Yes, but we have been chosen out of love and so we choose to love.